His sandals slapped as he ran between the huts and stalls. The shadows cast by the surrounding structures kept him safe from the scalding sun and prying eyes. Ansgar whipped a look behind him to see if he was followed, but saw no one. He turned another corner before stopping between two huts and allowed himself a brief breath.
Ansgar peeked around the corner to look at the stream of people going about their daily shopping. Two men appeared in his vision, enraged and tired from running.Ansgar pulled his head back before they could see him, he put his hand into the pocket of his ragged pants and felt that the loaf of bread was still intact. It was a precious piece, made from the dark plant that grew in the north, a scarce and rare commodity in Yaelon’dor, desert’s end. He turned to continue running but hit what felt like a wall and slammed onto the ground arse first. He looked up to see what he had hit and gasped.
“What do you have in your pocket drazi?”
The larger boy spat the last word. In front of Ansgar stood Yaman an Shura, or
as every other street urchin had come to call him: the desert ox. True to his nickname Yaman stood larger than most adult men and had arms as thick as tree
trunks at the ripe age of fifteen. He held a tight rein on the comings and
goings on his territory and tolerated no mischief other than what he himself
orchestrated. He had a contempt for Ansgar because of his near constant insults
to Yaman’s authority. The desert ox eyed Ansgar before hauling him up by his
shoulder. “I asked you. What do you have in your pocket?”
Ansgar looked at him, fear clouding his mind. “Yaman, I have nothing. I swear by Ans.”
Yaman shook him hard and shouted at him “You think I wouldn't notice when Andhas’s stall began hiring guards? Or that those guards are now running around town looking for a dirty little whore child!” He spat at Ansgar’s face. “You take me for a fool? Give to me what you have taken and I’ll let you off with a beating.”
Ansgar tried to blink the spit away from his eyes, his shame was multiplied by the blood rushing to his face, although it was hardly visible on his copper skin while they stood in the shadows. Yaman grabbed him by the throat and threw him back to the ground. Ansgar coughed hard and wiped the spittle of his eyes. His vision returned just as Yaman’s foot connected with his face. He felt a tooth loosen and gave a helpless yelp as he was thrown across the ground.
Yaman came and knelt next to Ansgar and put his hand in Ansgar’s pocket.
“If you ain’t giving it to me, I’ll take it.”
Ansgar looked helplessly as the bigger boy took the loaf of bread and eyed it with keen interest.
“Rye,” Yaman said lost in his thoughts, no doubt calculating how much money he could get by selling it. He smiled, “This here is too good for the likes of you, drazi,” he said, his smile was menacing and kicked Ansgar in the stomach for good measure. Ansgar doubled from the impact and let out a gasp as the air escaped his lungs.
After eyeing him for a while Yaman turned to leave with the loot. Ansgar began to stand up, his legs wobbled a little but
he was able to keep his balance by leaning to the wall. He stared at Yaman’s back after he felt comfortable standing. He picked up a stone from the ground.
Shame and anger raced through his mind when he lifted his hand. Ansgar was
about to throw when there came a rustle from atop of one of the huts and an
object flew through the air and hit Yaman in the head. The larger boy cried out
in surprise and pain and a red stream begun immediately pouring from the back
of his neck. Ansgar dropped his own stone and ran towards the desert ox. He grabbed
his bread from Yaman’s hand and sped past the bully while he was still stunned.
Fueled by fear and
desperation Ansgar pushed his feet to move fast. His legs were a blur as he
ran. He heard Yaman curse behind him and then there was the sound of heavy feet
stomping the ground with increasing speed. Ansgar didn’t have to look to know
that Yaman was chasing him.
Although Ansgar was confident in his speed, but he was tired and Yaman had
longer legs, so it was only a matter of time before he was caught.
He turned another corner to the left, he tried moving unpredictably through the
various stalls and huts, but the stomps were coming closer.
“Stop you damn drazi!” Yaman screamed.
Ansgar didn’t dare
stop, he knew Yaman would kill him this time, he was sure of it.
He turned to the right when he heard a whistle from above him. A face was
peering down atop of one of the huts.
None of its characteristics could be made out though as the sun shone from behind casting shadows on the face. Nonetheless Ansgar knew exactly who that whistle belonged to.
“Salman!” Ansgar cried. He could imagine his friend smirking his signature devilish smirk, although he could see it on his face.
“Ansgar, grab my hand before that oaf sees us,” Salman said. Ansgar follow orders and jumped to grab his hand. Salman caught his grip and pulled Ansgar up. Right after he got to the clay roof he heard the stomps turn the corner and stop.
“Drazi!” Yaman shouted. “Come here!”
Ansgar held his breath. He knew the older boy could climb the wall if he knew they were hiding from him there.
“You damn desert shit!” Yaman screamed, “Come out you bastard!” Ansgar felt a sharp pain at the last one, the shame of being a bastard. He had no name because as he had no father. There was no greater shame.
Salman tucked at his pants and pointed at the other side of the roof. “Let’s leave,” he whispered.
Ansgar nodded and followed his friend. They descended on the opposite side and ran for it.
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Is this supposed to take place in the Middle East, or a fantasical place replicating the Middle East? The names sound very Arabic (some of my Arab family was over recently, and it's not rare to randomly hear them arguing in Arabic). It's a nice balance of strong and supple words. I really do enjoy your gracious and supporting details. Good luck with your writing!
It takes place in the same fictional universe as my earlier (and I mean earlier) unfinished work "and there was drum roll" which I haven't finished because I paused writing it and I re-read it after like 3-4 years. Now I decided that the whole thing needs to be re-written since the language I use in it is so clumsy.
The world is vast but mainly the stories are located on two continents separated by a narrow sea. This story begins at the southern part of the northern continent. The city they are in now is located at the edge of the desert, (hence the name) and is modeled after the Arabic world, Sumeria and northern Africa.
Hi Lord Anazius,
Good to see you writing again after several years. I'm doing a similar thing at the moment and know how difficult it is to get back into the swing of things.
I thought this was well written and had a good pace. Your descriptions are good. I especially enjoyed the first paragraph which had some nice sounds in it - the alliteration of sandals slapping, and shadows cast by the scalding sun was good stuff.
However, this is almost too short to review. I'd prefer to see the entire prologue/chapter in one bit rather than this truncated excerpt. Without the scene's conclusion, I can't really get a sense of Ansgar, or the conflict, and how good it is and how it works as a scene.
I have a few comments based on this short excerpt, though:
You itacilise the words you've created for your world. I don't think this is necessary and it makes them stand out too much. After all, we don't italicise place names, so there's no need for Yaelon'dor to be in italics. We also don't put slang in italics, such as drazi. Nor do we put people's nicknames such as Yaman an Shura.
The bit after the comma is tacked on and the structure doesn't work. Better to reword to something like "Two men appeared in his vision, enraged and tired from running."
Sounds better as "He turned to continue running but hit what felt like a wall and slammed onto the ground arse first." I got rid of "with a thump" and changed the second "hit" to "slammed" for a bit of a verb variety.
For clarity, Ansgar's answer should be separated like this -
The desert ox eyed Ansgar before hauling him up by his shoulder. “I asked you. What do you have in your pocket?”
Ansgar looked at him fear clouding his mind. “Yaman, I have nothing. I swear by Ans.”
Anyway, this is a decent start, but let me know when you have more, because right now it is difficult to comment on something so short.
Thanks for the review.

Yeah it's a bit hard to find time to write nowadays since I've entered med school, but I found writing after such a long time invigorating.
I'll let you know when I come out with the rest, it might take a while though, but I'm determined to get it done.